on courage

Confidence is the result of experience. Courage is a choice.

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The idea of courage, in general, seems to conjure up some kind of heroic, warrior-like characters, preparing to battle some kind of insurmountable force. Movies that come to mind are Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings. Everyone likes to feel confident about something. I sure do, as it looks good in the eyes of others. But even when we look at the dictionary definition for courage, which is “the ability to do something that frightens one,” we get something that is deeply intertwined with the confrontation of fear. This is why courage is different from confidence. Confidence is a display of the absence of fear, while courage is a confrontation with fear.

Nonetheless, courage, in any situation seems to have an epic nature to it. This confrontation of something scary is a challenge, and courage is the ability and strength to meet that challenge.

Therapists, friends, and lovers have all responded to some of the stories of my life, commenting on my bravery. The funny thing is, I don’t really see myself that way. When I desire something, I already know there will be a confrontation with fear. I see it as a given, and, when my energy is up, I have the strength to accept this fear with a wild will that refuses to be broken.

It’s a crazy, maniacal sort of feeling that I conjure up in myself, and to be honest I’m not sure where it comes from. I guess if there is any culturally related parallel, it’s just a bit like going Super-Saiyan in Dragon Ball Z. It’s an emotional force of nature that I funnel into these challenges, and it gives me great joy when I can finally overcome them.

Some of the challenges I am meeting this week have been decade-long, or lifelong struggles. And I have had to draw from this energy I speak of in order to meet these challenges.

Let’s dive in.

I’ve been smoking weed and cigarettes for 15+ years now. This means that I’ve already done irreversible damage to my body and mind. One response I may have is similar to running a car to the ground. Why not continue to smoke physically and psychologically addictive substances since the damage is already done? This is a sad conclusion, as there is still more life to be lived, and more experiences to be had. It would be to throw away the time I have left because I can’t deal with the withdrawals of letting go of my bad habits.

I’m currently on day 4 of sobriety from weed and cigs. The first two days were hell-ish, as my cravings, headaches, and bodyaches were driving me insane. Day 3 is when a lot of the cravings began to subside, as did the aching. Last night, I finally got a decent full nights sleep, in comparison to my insomnia riddled first few nights without weed. My tolerance is high by the way. On a recent trip to Los Angeles in December, I thought that I would be high out of my mind from the California weed. I smoked a blunt that had all the shit in it—weed, weed oil, kief, and while I watched my friends take one puff and lose their marbles, I was totally normal. This was the first sign for me, that I needed to stop.

I needed to confront the fear of the withdrawals with some kind of courage. And I ended up finding it in the strangest of places — Eminem’s first mixtape “Infinite”. I am not a rapper by any means, but hip hop and rap has always been a source of great courage and hope for me. I don’t even listen to that much Eminem, but something about this first mixtape always hits the spot. In particular, the single “Infinite”, a track with the same title as the album name, has some lines in it that I gravitate towards.

“So I’m assuming all responsibility

Cause there’s a monster will in me…”

Keep in mind that this song was made in the mid 90s, a very different time period for hip hop and culture in general. These are battle rap lyrics, which don’t always apply to my situation, but the above quote from the song stuck out to me upon listening on repeat.

I’m assuming responsibility for my actions, there’s a monster will in me that refuses to give up on my sobriety, on my life, on my future. I might not be a battle rapper, but I can understand the courage that it takes to face a seemingly insurmountable task.

The reason why smoking is a crutch is because it can turn into a way to solve your problems. Have a shitty day at work? Girlfriend break up with you? Financial troubles? All the substances are available to you to soothe the pain. They may provide temporary relief, but they don’t do much for solving problems..

So it’s time to assume responsibility and exercise the monster will in me. I had to tell myself that I could get past the withdrawals, that I would refuse to give up. It was certainly an epic struggle.

However, now, a new challenge has reared its head in my life. My emotional problems, to be specific, my abandonment issues. These issues are also intertwined with my smoking habits. When I feel abandoned, I go smoke cigarettes or weed. I listen to my slow, pensive jazz. I created a whole wasteland-like universe of smoking, abandonment, and loneliness..and it even became a part of my personality.

These things might seem cool in the context of film noir, or even a noir-like anime like Cowboy Bebop. But to live these experiences over and over again without any awareness of how to heal can be damaging. It can also feel endless, without any direction for healing.

I’m getting a book on the subject of abandonment issues. It’s called “Love me, don’t leave me”, and should come in the mail tomorrow. For now, I’m just reading reddit forums and trying to get a grasp on what this issue really is.

Maybe part of this process is accepting my emotions, rather than viewing them as a problem. What I mean by this, is trying to view my emotions without judgment. People with abandonment issues are often seen as needy or clingy, and these words are very loaded and can even hurt to hear when I realize I am doing these things. It definitely affects my self-esteem to realize how much reassurance I may require.

But in a way, I can’t be mad at who I am. That’s literally just where I’m at, and what I need in the moment. I’m on a journey to become more self-sufficient and independent, yet on the other hand, there were forces that were out of my control that led me to become this way, and to need what I need.

This part of the abandonment-issue journey is very new for me. For a long time, I was only partially aware that I had this, but now it is coming up for me in other areas of my life. Without the weed or cigarettes as a crutch, I am forced to take a close look at the forces that brought me to become this way, as well as take a realistic look at these things I don’t love about myself. It’s to strip away the judgment of “I wish I was different,” and to instead say “This is where I’m at, and that’s okay.”

It’s really tough to not judge myself in these situations, the judgment feels very automatic. I think the judgment just comes from perfectionism and a desire to be loved. I think what all of this means is that I wasn’t given certain things in my youth, and I am becoming more cognizant of these needs.

Awareness seems to bring insight, which can then guide us to healing.

Again, as I’ve stated in other posts, it can be very scary to face things about yourself that you don’t like. Everyone wants to appear confident, self-assured, independent, etc. Nobody wants to be clingy, needy, or emotionally draining to others. But without this confrontation, we miss out on an opportunity to grow. We miss out on an opportunity to choose courage, to face something that seems insurmountable, to grow our confidence in something that we’re not yet good at.

Healing requires courage.

The final note on courage, is that it multiplies when we work together. We can encourage each other, giving each other hope, reminding each other we’re not alone. Your courage encourages me to keep on going, to refuse to give up, to press on in the face of many obstacles.

We got this.

Until next time,

Peace.